i saw cottage cheese with peaches at the grocery store today.
thought maybe it would be worth trying.

i was wrong.






<gagging>

leave for bellingham, washington tomorrow.
taxi's coming at 5am.
it doesnt feel like christmas.

finals week is officially upon me... tomorrow.
although really, i've been having finals for two weeks now, so its just another week of hell.
i got lucky on friday--snowstorm #2 closed down USM, so the paper that should have been due was postponed until monday.  i still havent written it. 
instead, i had a 6 hour sex and the city marathon.
i went rockclimbing with marcel.
i made thanksgiving sweet potatoes.
and i've been checking ebay every 25 minutes for climbing shoes and a laptop.
how productive.

christmas is a week from today.
15 people to shop for (stocking stuffers only, thank god).
what do you get for relatives you only see once every five years?

my lori comes home today.
i'm excited
but sad too, in a way.....
i know i wont want to come back from new zealand....
why should adventures have to stop????
i wonder what its like to fly into the states after having been away for a long time.... culture shock?
who knows.
lori knows.

phil is no longer speaking to me.

i'm at that point in the semester where i really dont care about anything.
i dont care that i have a paper due tomorrow.
i dont care that i bombed my anatomy lab test (because i didnt care about studying)
i dont care that phil thinks i'm a heinous bitch
i dont care that i'm leaving maine in a week
i dont care that chris never called me (beautiful man in philosophy who acquired my phone number on the last day of class)

i do care that lori is coming home.  and that i'm going climbing on tuesday. and wednesday.  and thursday. and maybe friday.
i do care that my laundry is still wet (i didnt have enough money to pay for enough time on the dryer)

i need a vacation.
and to see my lori.....

cyndle sent me photos today. she is always taking photos....

i'm caught between being frightened and admiring...examining these pictures, so revealing, so blatantly sexual, so...
the curve of her breast from behind a denim jacket, the profile of her stomach under the arm that is tastfully hiding (but reminding you of) what is surely behind it...
i'm not sure if i should be jealous of her bravery... i do admire it, somewhat, since i dont think i have the confidence in my body or my self to do that... but where is the line drawn between this and pornography?  and how do i feel about pornography? 
or not so much how do i feel about it... how do i feel about a friend taking part in it?  (how do i feel when i'm wondering, trying to figure out who she had take the pictures...)
but it isnt porn at all, its tasteful, sexual...
 i think every woman secretly (or not so secretly) wants to have beautiful photographs of herself... naked or otherwise...

why am i not comfortable with open sexuality? am i comfortable with it? why do i think everyone else will think its wrong...
because i think i DONT think its wrong... i'm just afraid of how someone else might react....
therein lies the problem....
we're all so afraid of someone else's reaction to our own manifestations of sexuality that we all try to conform to what we think is acceptable.... we lean to the safe side of the fence, which leads to a rather puritan, "we dont talk about it" way of living and interacting....
maybe? maybe thats just me.

i feel like i just used a lot of big words and didnt say much of anything... but my brain is turning, gears are working...

am i caught between wanting to be an openly sexual creature and wanting to be accepted by "normal" people?

is it strange that after seeing cyndle's pictures, i posed in my mirror, pondered the perfect position of a breast, wondering how i would look in a photograph? 
does every girl do that? 
?

i am a girl with a beautiful pair of martini glasses
and nothing to go in them.

my fingernail clippers have gone missing.  again. they're the second pair this semester. where is it that i'm putting them???
now its bothering me even more than before that my nails are too long.  TOO LONG.  as we speak, i'm using the kitchen scissors in a sad attempt at shortening them... now they're all sort of jagged and raw and i dont recommend that you ever use your kitchen scissors for this sort of task.  and did you realize how difficult it is to do fine. precision cutting with your left hand?
dont ever lose your nail clippers.  and stop stealing mine!

its really nice to have someone to cook for....

i ran into keith today, or he ran into me.... hadnt seen him in AGES! went to research/hang out with him/study at the library after my bio test today (his inviting me to the library was the best thing that ever happened to me... i managed to print out some articles for my english paper AND find some books for my bio paper!!!!) and then... seeing as he had two hours before he had to be somewhere, i invited him to my house for dinner!! ah, cooking for friends.... salmon and asparagus and bread and chocolates for dessert.... makes me smile.
(and an oven, 400degrees opened to a cold room, makes a hell of a difference in a kitchen that doesnt have a radiator)

So yeah, wow... its been the whole semester and i havent written anything.  CRAZY.

SO....

I broke up with Phil in October.  That was good.  hadnt seen him since may anyway so it was easier, and... long distance is too too hard, and he's changed a lot anyway since he became what is pretty much equivalent to a college freshman... starting over, new place, new people, no parents..... i dont want to date a freshman. he called me last week to tell me he's been sleeping with some new girl.  yay... what a weird call. but if he's happy, cool.  whatever.

Went SKYDIVING in November!!!! crazy shit..... SOOOOO cool.  so cool.  and i even got to go for free, since i was the "leader" of a group of 15 so skydiving... is amazing.  highly recommended.  and not nearly as scary as i expected!! it doesnt even feel like falling... i didnt get the stomach-flip/lurch that i expected.... we went up in the plane and the tandem guy (i jumped tandem, meaning a guy was strapped to my back--he did all the work) attached everything and got it all nice and tight and then before i knew it we were hanging out the door of the airplane.... i was facing inside, he was holding onto a bar above the door and then.... he let go and we did sort of a rolly-backflip out...and its WINDY and cold (it was november after all) and so exciting and crazy and it feels like floating and WHAT a view and then he pulls the parachute and theres a sort of a soft sort of catch and you're hanging there, ground below you with a huge colorful mess of fabric keeping you from plummeting to your death... except you dont think about that-- you're too busy being amazed and watching the camera guy flying next to you (who's gorgeous and perfect and great in bed... ).  yes, i managed to meet a boy while skydiving..... got me free pictures   so thats my other big news... theres a boy.... who is now in colorado, so yet another long distance mess of sorts... its not really a relationship, it just sort of exists.... we talk on the phone until 2 in the morning almost every night (which probably isnt good for my health or my grades, but fuck it....its nice to have someone to talk to).  did i mention he's 31? perhaps equally unhealthy, but...... but its fun for now.  and nice.  and... and it feels great to be this person who can do whatever she wants, who can skydive and have sex and be happy without a real boyfriend and who can WRITE and become a doctor and.... i havent mentioned yet that i've been doing this writing group with matt and eric (and two people i only recently met, paul and chris), and its been so great.... tuesday nights at matt's, drinking red wine and reading what i've written and hearing what they've done and... it gets me motivated to write, and i've really written some good stuff, which is great.  wrote a peice about this whole skydivingboy thing... i read it at the "cross-arts cafe" that the honors program puts on every semester.... its really refreshing to get up and read something that you were afraid to (because its about sex, after all, and these are your friends and your professors and...) and to have them love it and ask you for copies and to read other things you've written.....

For thanksgiving I drove to chicago to surprise my family   no one knew i was coming... it was great.  drove for two days to get there, rang the doorbell and... the look on my aunts face!!  the next day, my parents arrived.... took my mom a few minutes at the door before it finally registered that it was SARAH who was standing there... her own daughter, 1500 miles from where she was supposed to be (she was supposed to be by herself, moping because she didnt have any plans for turkey day).  Made the YAMS because those are the best food EVER at thanksgiving... gained  5 pounds from eating the most amazing pecan pie ever crafted... then drove a non-stop-twenty-hours home... ugh.   got home at 5am on a sunday, went to sleep, woke up, and had the horrible urge to puke.  face in the toilet, all i could think about was the fact that all i had dreamt about was driving... i think i gave myself motion sickness!!!!! so i puked, felt better, and went back to bed... woke up midafternoon and got started on the homework i'd been putting off all week. 

and now here i am, a week 3 papers and a labreport later, putting off studying for next week's 2 tests (and barely researching for two massive papers that are due in 2 weeks).


that was my semester... except i forgot to mention MARCEL!!!! amazing guy.... fell in love with him at the beginning of my anatomy lab..... turns out he's gay (or was gay?  i'm still holding out hope...), but we hang out a few times a week and study together and... its so nice to have a friend like that.  i cant even explain it, but.... its relaxing just to be around him.  and if he asked me to marry him, i would not be opposed.

(i also forgot to mention that i joined the sailing team.... so nice to get out on the water a few times a week, race in regattas every weekend, and hang out with the coolass guys (and girl) on the team)


so it was a semester of being single.... three boys minus one, too much homework, lots to do, (lori's in scotland which makes me so happy and so sad all at once), several adventures, some good quality writing.......

phew....now i'll have to try to keep this thing uptodate enough that i dont have to go on rants like this to catch everyone up!!!!

yeah, i suppose i could update this thing..... um, so... yeah.  now i'm back at school in maine, taking lots of classes, living in an apartment with two of my lacrosse teammates.... in the process of changing my major to english.  I just finished a bowl of Life cereal and have been stressing over the planning of the OUting Club's skydiving trip (i'm now the President of the club). Thats about it these days.... I've been doing a lot of writing, which is great.... writing that isnt for classes, which is even greater... a small group of us meet once a week to read/talk/workshop/drinkwine, etc, which has been a nice little kick in my pants to get  my pen going! I'm reading Macbeth for a class....which I've never read before and everyone seems to find that surprising ("sarah, youv'e never read macbeth?  and I always had you pegged as a shakespear person...."). fall-lacrosse has started.... 3-4 practices a week.  my wrist is still doing pretty well after surgery.... though i still dont have my full range of motion back, and i have to play lacrosse in a brace. i ended up with a nice dent in my cardoor while i was trying to get a mattress at the salvation army (which i'm not yet convinced doesnt have bedbugs....). laundry costs $12 a month.  We still dont have a TV that we can see from across our giant living room, which by the way, we painted RED.  the rest of the house is yellow and my bedroom is GREEN. (the bathroom is purple and the other bedrooms are blue). Sometime next week we're re-doing the kitchen floor with cool-looking linoleum tiles that our landlord will be paying for.  The lady who lives above us is 72 and was so happy when we went upstairs to visit her.  her apartment is SOOOO cool.... slanted ceilings, cave-like layout, and skylights.  "i'm glad i finally know you girls!  now we can be good neighbors... borrow beer...or sugar... when we need it"  She has black and white photos all over her walls....collected over a lifetime... and i might go back up just to look at them. but i'm done with my cereal now and i have to get ready for lacrosse practice.  adios for now.....

i'm all alone
in a house

in a bedroom i can barely call my own anymore
watching tv that borders on interesting/uninteresting/interesting

trying to remember if the door is locked
hearing noises that must be the cats but maybe....

a basket full of empty clothes waiting for sunday
a pair of empty beds

all the piles of hand-strewn junk that isn't mine but should be
that shouldn't be but is

the bedroom-mess i haven't yet worn out of
those lightbluecorduroyflares long outgrown

i'm by myself
in a bedroom

in a house i can barely call my own anymore
eating leftovers that border on interesting/uninteresting/interesting

caught between independent
and alone